One day, farmer Williams was in town picking up supplies for his farm.
He
stopped at the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil. Then he
stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, he now had a problem, how to carry all his purchases home.
The
livestock dealer said: "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the
bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your
other hand?"
"Hey thanks!" the farmer said and off he went. While
walking he met a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked:
"Can you tell me how to get to 123 Township Road?"
The farmer said:
"Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 132 Township Road. Let's take my shortcut
and go down this alley; we'll be there in no time."
The little old lady
said: "How do I know that when we get in the alley, you won't hold me up against
the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The farmer said: "Holy
smokes lady, I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in
the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The lady said: "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the
anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens...."
A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheely bins and
emptying
them into his dustcart lorry. He gets to one house where the bin
hasn't
been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back but
still
can't see it so he knocks on the door.
There's no answer so he
knocks again.
Eventually a Chinese bloke answers... "Harro", says the
Chineseman.
"Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman
"I
bin on toilet" replies the Chinese bloke, looking perplexed.
Realising
the Chinese fellow has misunderstood, the binman smiles and says
"No mate,
where's ya dust bin?"
"I dust bin on toilet I told you" says the Chinese
man.
"Mate" says the dustman... "you're misunderstanding me...where's
your Wheely
Bin?"
"OK" "OK" , the chinaman says, "I wheely bin having
wank."
DOCTOR BOB
Doctor Bob had slept with one of his
patients and had felt guilty all
day long. No matter how much he tried to
forget about it, he couldn't. The
guilt and sense of betrayal was
overwhelming.
Every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice within
himself,
trying to reassure him: "Bob, don't worry about it. You aren't the
first
doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last.
And
you're single. Let it go...."
But invariably the other voice would
bring him back to reality:
"Bob, you're a vet."
Two deaf people get married.
During the first week of marriage,
they find that they are unable to communicate
in the bedroom when they turn
off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.
"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals?
For instance, at night, if
you want to have sex with me, reach over and
squeeze my left breast one
time. If you don't want to have sex,
reach over and squeeze my right breast
one time."
The husband thinks this is
a great idea and signs back to his wife,
"Great idea, Now if you want
to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time.
If you don't
want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis 50 times."
We have bought this pet skunk, the wife and I took it for walks everyday.
One day we came to this bar which had a big sign saying...
"No pets allowed," she turned to me and said:
"What shall we do about the pet skunk?"
I replied, "Shove it down your panties, no one will know."
She then asked me: "What about the smell?"
And I said "Well if it dies, it fucking dies!"
Nursery rhymes just ain't what they used to be...
Mary had a little skirt
with splits
right up the sides,
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see
her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
twas split right up the front,
...but
she didn't wear that one very often.
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
her
clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept beside her,
but
Little Boy Blue and his horn.
Simple Simon met a pieman, going to
the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pieman,
"What have you got there?"
Said
the pieman unto Simon,
"Pies, you dickhead."
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty
Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men
Said,
"Fuck him, he's only an egg."
Mary had a little lamb.
It ran into
a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its ass
and turned its wool to nylon
Georgie Porgie pudding 'n pie,
kissed
the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
he kissed
them too, 'cause he was gay.
One day in the future, Osama bin Laden has a heart attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell,
where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Osama thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the first room; in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed -- over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," bin Laden said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room; in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer
and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer, time after time
after time.
"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if
all I could do was break rocks all day,"
commented Osama bin Laden.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Osama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Osama bin Laden looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go."
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation,
so he
decided to go to the doctor.
He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In
response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting
ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day, the man went to the store and bought himself a
starter pistol.
All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.
At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the
two began, they found themselves in the 69 position.
The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and
fired the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked,
"How did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well ... when
I
fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my
penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"
There's nothing worse than a snooty doctor's receptionist who
insists you
tell her what is wrong in a room full of patients.
I know you all have
experienced this, and here's the way one old guy handled it.
An 86 year old
man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the
receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for
today?"
"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.
The
receptionist became irritated and said,"You shouldn't come into a crowded office
and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told
you," he said.
The receptionist replied, You've obviously caused some
embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there's
something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem
further
with the doctor in private."
The man walked out, waited several
minutes and then reentered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked,
"Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist
nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what's
wrong with your ear, sir?
"I can't piss out of it," replied the old man.
A woman walks into a top floor pub and sees a really good looking bloke
sitting at the bar. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.
He says, "Magic Bitter."
She thinks he's a bit of a tripper, so she walks around the pub.
After realising that there is no one else worth talking to, she goes back to
the man sitting at the bar.
She says, "That isn't really Magic Bitter, is it?"
He says, "Yes, I'll show you." So, he takes a gulp of the bitter, jumps out the window, flies around
the building 3 times, and comes back into the window.
She can't believe it. She says to him, "I bet you can't do that again."
So, he takes another drink of the bitter, jumps out the window, flies
around the building 3 times, and comes back in the window. She is
amazed. She says that she wants a Magic Bitter. So the bloke says to the
bartender "Give her a pint of what I'm having."
She gets her pint, takes a gulp, jumps out the window, plummets 30
stories, breaks every bone in her body and dies.
The bartender looks up at the bloke and says,
"Superman, you're such a tosser when you're pissed."
There is a little boy and a little girl in the woods.
The little
girl asked the boy, "What is a penis?"
The boy replied, "I don't know." At that time he hears his mum
calling him for lunch. He goes home and eats his lunch. Then he
sees his dad on the couch.
He goes up to his dad and ask him, "What is a penis?"
The dad whips his out and says to the boy, "This is a penis, as a
matter of fact this is the perfect penis."
The boy leaves to go find his friend and brings her to the woods.
The girl again asks him what a penis is. He whips out his penis
and says to her, "This is a penis, and if it was two inches
smaller it would be the perfect penis!"
What did the banana say to the vibrator?
What the fuck are you shaking
for? She's gonna eat me.
What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and
drives your woman crazy?
A £20 note
Why do women only bleed once a month?
Because they need the rest of
their blood supplies for their Varicose veins.
What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf
ball?
A bloke will
spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.
Most popular:
Who is the most popular guy at a nudist beach?
The one who
can carry 2 cans of coke and a dozen doughnuts.
Who is the most popular
girl at the nudist beach?
The one who eats the last doughnut.
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and
finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice
restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On
the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded
spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He
starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a
virgin and wants to stay that way.
"Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?"
"Yuck!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"
He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?"
"I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"
"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to
shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She
nods. "Well, it's just like that."
So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking
it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest,
his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out
of his ear and he screams out in pain.
"What's wrong?!" she cries out.
"Take your thumb off the end!!"
"Dear Dad," read the young soldier's first letter home.
"I
cannot tell you where I am, but yesterday I shot a polar bear..."
Several months later came another letter:
"Dear Dad, I still cannot tell you where I am, but yesterday I
danced with a
hula girl..."
Two weeks later came yet another note:
"Dear Dad, I still cannot tell you where I am, but yesterday the doctor told
me I should have danced with the polar bear and shot the hula girl..."
msthemeseparator>
Dad came home one day in an exceptionally horny mood and took his wife upstairs for sex. Just when they were really getting into it, their young son entered the room and started to cry. "What's wrong, son?" the father asked. "Why are you crying?" "You're hurting my mummy," the little boy replied. "No, no," the father reassured, "I'm not hurting her. We are making babies." This seemed to calm the boy, and when he left the room the couple went back to their business. The next day the father came home from work and found his son on the steps, crying. "What's the matter NOW?" asked Dad. His son replied, "It's those babies you were making with mummy yesterday. The milkman is upstairs eating them!"
A man and his son walk into an ice cream parlor. The man orders two
vanilla cones, looks at his son, slaps him on the back of the head
and says "What do you want, Fathead?" The guy at the counter was
appalled. He asked the man why he did that. The man said "There are
three things a man wants in life,
1) A Big truck. You see that truck out there, biggest damn truck in the county.
2) A nice house. I got the nicest house in the state. And
3) a tight pussy. And I had me one of them until fathead here came along.
A couple who'd been married for over 50 years was sitting on the sofa,
when the wife said, "Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?"
He moved over and sat close to her.
"Dear," she continued,
"do you remember how you used to hold me tight?"
He reached over and held her tight.
"And," she went on, "do you remember how you used to hug me
and kiss me and nibble on my ear?"
With that, her husband got up and started to walk out of the room.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"Well," answered the husband, "I have to get my teeth."
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first. One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God". The teacher praised the little girl, as a little boy raised his hand. The little boy says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love". "Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no", she thought I'm not going to like this, "Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?" Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet". The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first. He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parent's bedroom last night and my mum had her feet up in the air and she said, "Oh God, I'm coming!"
Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a
country road one evening when a pig ran in front of the car.
The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't.
The pig was killed.
The President told his driver to go up to the
farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened.
About an hour later the driver staggers back to the
car with his clothes in total disarray. He was
holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in
the other and smiling happily.
"What happened?" asked the President.
"Well," the driver replied "the Farmer gave me the
wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made
passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked the President.
The driver replied:
"I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the pig."
This guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school,
unfortunately he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is about
5 or 6.
One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun.
They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already
asleep on the lower bunk,
so he and his gal climb up to the top bunk.
As you
might expect things start to heat up.
The guy remembering that his little
brother is sleeping below
so he tells his girlfriend to whisper," lettuce"
if she wants it harder
and "tomato" if she wants a new position.
"Lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato, lettuce, lettuce," it sounds.
Then
the little brother chimes in,
"Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches
up there,
you're getting mayonnaise all over my face."
Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly
side.
An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her,
"Hey, how about it babe? You and me?"
As she got up to move, he said
loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money,
but I don't
have an extra two dollars."
She looked back and replied just as loudly,
"What makes you think I charge by the inch ?"
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about
who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than
women.
Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
"That
doesn't prove anything," the woman countered.
"Think about this: when
your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around,
then pull it
out, which feels better - your ear or your finger?"
A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball.
So they advised their
butler that they were giving him the evening off
to do as he pleased since they
would be out quite late.
The couple went to a ball and dinner.
After an hour an
a half, the wife told her husband that she was horribly
bored and that she
preferred to go home and finish some work for the next day.
The husband
responded that he had to stay for a few more hours
to meet some very important
business partners.
So the wife went home alone and found the butler spread out
on the couch watching TV.
She slowly moved towards him and sat down very
seductively.
She then told him to come closer. Then even closer.
She moved
forward and whispered in his ear,
"Take off my dress. Now take off my bra.
Now remove my shoes and stockings. Now remove my garter belt and panties"
She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted,
"The next
time I catch you wearing my clothes, you're fired
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out
about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came
for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one
at a time.
She was reluctant to call on little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes
could be a bit crude.
But, eventually, his turn came... Little Johnny walked up
to the front of the class and,
with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on
the blackboard,
then sat back down. Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what
Johnny had
in mind for his report or why the dot was exciting,
so she asked him
just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnny.
"Well, I
can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a
period?"
"Damned if I know", said Johnny, "but, this
morning, my sister said she missed one.
Then Dad had a heart attack, Mom
fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
One day two old ladies were standing outside the nursing home casually
having a smoke. After being outside for a while it started to rain on them.
Suddenly, one of the ladies took out a condom, cut off the tip, and slipped
it over her cigarette.
The other lady asked, "What's that for?"
The first replied, "It's to keep my cigarette dry when I'm outside smoking
and it starts to rain."
The second lady said, "That's a pretty crafty idea."
The following day the old lady went to the drugstore to get some condoms.
She walked in and told the clerk, "I'd like some condoms please."
The clerk looked at the old lady, rather baffled at why she would need condoms.
However, he asked, "What brand would you like, Madam?"
The old lady smiled and replied, "I don't care what brand you give
me, as long as it fits a Camel."
The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids.
The teams performance soars.
They win the county and state championship until one day
they are favored to win nationals easily.
Penelope, a sixteen year old hurdler visits her coach and
says, "Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest."
"What!" the coach says in a panic, "How far down does it go?"
She replies, "Down to my balls. That's something else I want to talk to you about."
He asked, "Mummy what's that between your legs?"
She told him that was her squirrel. Later that day he was in
the bathroom again while grandma was taking a shower and he
asked, "Grandma what's that between your legs?"
She replied, "That's my squirrel."
The little boy said, "Mummy has one too, but hers is not as grey as yours."
Grandma replied, "Well, your mummy's squirrel hasn't cracked as many nuts as mine has!"
A man walked into a shoe store and flopped his plonker on the counter.
The sales lady said, "That's not a foot!"
The man replied, "No, but it's a good ten inches."
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said,
"I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me either doc." said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going
to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the
Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to
miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.
"My love," he wrote "we are going to be apart for a very long
time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not
much to do here in the evenings. Besides that we're constantly
surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I
had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted? "
So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying,
"why don't youlearn to play this?"
Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to
his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so
that we make passionate love!"
She kissed him and said, "First let's see you play thatharmonica."
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The
doctor says,
"Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla, she keeps getting
these cravings, she's putting on weight and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Darla a good examination then turns to the
mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this but
your Darla is pregnant - about 4 months would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never
ever been left alone with a man! Have you Darla?"
Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it.
About five minutes pass and finally the mother says,
"Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the
last time anything like this happened, a star appeared
in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll
be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"
