A beautiful young model is about to undergo a minor operation.
She's laid on a trolley bed by a lady in a white dress and brought to the corridor.
Before they enter room she leaves her behind the theatre door to go in
and check whether everything is ready.
A young man in a white coat approaches, takes the sheet away and starts
examining her naked body, then walks away and talks to another man in a
white coat. The second man then comes over and does the same examinations.
He then beckons to a third man who comes over and starts examining her
body so closely that she begins to grow impatient.
She says, "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are
you going to start the operation?" One of the men wearing a white coat
shrugs his shoulders and says,
"No good asking us, we're just here to paint the corridor"
A kid and his grandfather were sitting on the porch swing.
Gramps lit
up a cigarette, and the kid looked at him and said,
"Can I have one of those?"
Gramps replied, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"
The kid said, "Nope."
Gramps replied, "Then you ain't old enough."
A little while later, Gramps popped open a beer. The kid asked, "Can I
have one of those?"
Gramps replied, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"
The kid said, "Nope."
Gramps said, "Then you ain't old enough."
A little later, the kid came out of the house with some cookies and
milk. Gramps asked, "Can I have one of those?"
The kid replied, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"
Gramps said, "Yep!"
The kid said, "Then go fuck yourself, 'cause Grandma said these were mine!"
The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections
from all
the private businesses that they were 'protecting'.
Feeling the heat from the
police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job--
if he were to get
caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.
Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000.
He gets
greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place.
The mafia soon
realizes that their collection is late, and sends
some of their hoods after the
deaf collector.
The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money
is.
The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the mafia
drags the guy
to an interpreter. The mafia hood says to the interpreter,
"Ask him where
da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"
The
deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."
The
interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking
about."
The hood pulls out a .38 pistol and places it in the ear of the
deaf collector.
"NOW ask him where da money is." The interpreter
signs, "Where is the money?"
The deaf man signs, "The $50,000 is
in Central Park, hidden in the
third tree stump on the left from the West 78th
Street gate."
The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still
doesn't know what
you're talking about and doesn't think you have the guts to
pull the trigger!"
There was a little girl and her mother walking through
the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.
The little girl says "Mummy what are they doing?".
The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm, they are making cakes".
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees
two monkeys having sex.
Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother
replies with the same response, making cakes.
The next day the girl says to her mother "Mummy, you and
Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night eh?".
Shocked, the Mother says "How do you know?"
She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mum.
Q: What's a Hormone?
A: The sound a prostitute makes so you will think that you are a real
good lay.
Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
A: Say, "Nice dick."
Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."
Q: What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection?
A: An itchy, twitchy twat.
Q: Are birth control pills deductible?
A: Only if they don't work.
Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts.
Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
A: Because they have cotton balls.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A: A cock that stays up all night.
Q: Mum's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
A: Palm Sunday
Q: Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.
Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine
Q. How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A. Wiped his ass.
Q. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A. A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
Q. What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A. Spitting, swallowing and gargling
Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
A. You know she'll swallow.
Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.
Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.
Q. When is a pixie not a pixie?
A. When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin.'
Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a "quickie," only you do it yourself.
Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving
Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A. No one to talk to during orgasm.
Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.
Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A. A mechanic!
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!
Q. Jewish dilemma:
A. Free PORK.
Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse?
A. The one with the dirty knees.
Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.
Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade: Who has the biggest tits?
A. The blonde, because she's 18.
Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A. Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor-lock.
Q. The three words most hated by men during sex?
A. "Are you In?" or "Is It In?"
Q. Three words women hate to hear when having sex
A. "Honey, I'm home!"
Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
Q. Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?
A. It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.
Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A. When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
Q. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep.
A. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
Q. How can you tell a macho woman?
A. She rolls her own tampons.
A cannibal father and son were out looking for food one day. They were
hiding in the woods watching for people to walk by. First, a really skinny
man walked by and son asked, "How about him Pa?" "No boy,
he's too
skinny." said Pa. Then a Really fat woman walked by. The son asked,
"How
about her Pa?" "No boy, She's too fatty." said Pa. Then a really
good
looking young girl walked by and the son asked "How about her Pa?"
"Yep,
we'll take her home and eat yer mother."
The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife,
"Where is the rake?"
She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?
The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and
finally makes a raking motion.
The wife is not sure and says, "What?"
The man repeats his gestures. The wife replies that she
understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next
she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.
Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on
that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her "What in the hell was that?"
She replies, "EYE- LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH!"
Five men end up stranded on a tropical island. The only female around is
a gorilla on the other end of the island. After one whole month the
guys are all sitting around and Garry stands up and says, "I'm so horny,
I can't take it anymore!" So he grabs a bag and storms off to the other
side of the island with his pals right behind him. They catch the
gorilla, each guy grabs an arm or leg and Garry puts the bag over the
gorilla's head. He climbs on top of the gorilla and begins to do the
nasty. The gorilla fights and struggles and finally gets an arm free and
she wraps it around Garry's back. Then she gets both feet free and wraps
them around Garry's waist. She gets her other arm free and grabs on to
his hips and starts pulling him in harder and harder. Garry yells to
his buddies...."Get it off!! Get it off!!
They said, "You're on top, we can't get her off of you."
Garry said..."No, I mean the bag. I want to kiss the bitch
Apparently the makers of KY jelly have
brought out a year 2000 compliant version of their
eponymous product. It will be known as KY2K and allows you to insert four digits into your
date rather than just two.
Jim & Ethel had started their retirement years and decided to raise
some
extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their two-up two-down terrace house.
After a few days an attractive young woman applies for the room and
explains that she is a model working in a nearby city centre studio for a
few weeks and that she would like the room for Mondays to Thursdays but
would pay for the whole week.
Ethel shows her the house and they agree to start straight away. "There's
just one problem." explains the model, "Because of my job I have to
have a
bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."
"That's not a problem" replies Ethel "we have a tin bath out in
the yard
and we bring it in to the living room, in front of the fire, and fill it
with hot water." "What about your husband?" asks the model.
"Oh, he plays
darts most weekdays so he'll be out in the evenings" replies Ethel.
"Good," says the model, "that's settled. I'll go to the studio
and see you tonight."
That evening Jim dutifully goes to his darts match whilst Ethel prepares
the bath for the model. After stripping off the model steps into the bath
and Ethel is amazed to see that she has no pubic hair. The model notices
Ethel's staring eyes, smiles and explains that it is part of her job to
shave herself especially when modeling swimwear or underclothes.
Later when Jim returns, Ethel relates this oddity and he does not believe
her. "It's true, I tell you" says Ethel. "Look, if you don't
believe me,
tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in
and see for yourself." The next night Jim leaves as usual and Ethel
prepares the bath for the model. As the model steps naked into the bath -
Ethel, standing behind her, looks towards the curtains, and points towards
the model's naked fanny. Then she lifts up her skirt and wearing no
panties, points to her own hairy mass.
Later Jim returns and they retire to bed. "Well do you believe me
now?"
she asks Jim. "Yes." he replies. "I've never seen anything like
it in my
life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show your hairy fanny?"
"Just to show you the difference," answers Ethel "but anyway
you've seen
me with no knickers on thousands of times."
"Yes," says Jim, "I have...but the rest of the fucking darts team
haven't.
An old priest soon got sick of all the people in his parish who kept
confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said,
"If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word.
Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until
the priest died at a ripe old age.
About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of
the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in
town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realising that no-one had told the new
priest about the code word. But before the mayor could explain, the
priest shook an accusing finger at him and said,
"I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife's already fallen
three times this week!"
A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got this sex problem, doc.
You've got to help me."
"Well," says the quack, "tell me about your average day."
"Well it all starts in the middle of the night. My wife always
wakes me up at about 3am and again at about 5am for nookie.
Later, we can spend a couple of hours making love before I go to work!"
"Oh I see," says the doc.
"No, hang on," says the young man "you see, when I get on the
train
to work I meet this girl every day, we get a compartment to ourselves
and have sex all the way there."
"Oh... now I see," says the quack.
"No you don't," says our hero.
"When I get to work my secretary really fancies me and I have to give her one in the storeroom."
"Oh.... now I see," says the quack.
"No, no, no," says the randy old bugger. "When I go to lunch I
meet this dinner lady I'm very fond of, and we nip out the back for a quickie."
"Now I understand," says the extremely patient doctor.
"No, hang on," says the man. "When I get back to work in the
afternoon my boss - a very demanding lady I might add - has to have
me or she says she'll give me the sack!"
"Ahh...." says the doctor, "now I see."
"No, there's more," says our man, almost in tears.
"When I get home my wife is so pleased to see me she gives me a blow
job before dinner and then we have sex afterwards!"
By now, the exasperated doctor is beginning to lose his cool,
"So just what is your problem?!"
"Well..." says our hero, "it hurts when I wank."
Teacher: Class. A gold star to anyone who can give me an example
of the correct meaning of the word " definitely".
Ruth: Miss, "I will definitely get an A in my next exam."
Teacher: That's not strictly correct Ruth. You may not.
Fiona: Miss, " I will definitely get a Bicycle for Christmas".
Teacher: That's not strictly correct Fiona. You may not.
Tommy: Miss," Does a really smelly fart have bits in it?"
Teacher: No
Tommy: Miss, " I've DEFINITELY shit my pants..."
Frank very excited to be going bear hunting. He spotted a small brown
bear and shot it. Then there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said, "You've got two choices. I either maul you to
death or we have sex." Frank decided to bend over.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed
revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.
There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two
choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough sex." Again,
Frank thought it was better to comply.
Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally
recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down
the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap
on his shoulder. He turned round to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear said "Admit it, Frank. You don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
This story takes place shortly after the traditional conclusion to the
"Snow
White & The Seven Dwarfs" story.
The seven dwarfs are out for a walk one day when they hear strange noises
from the other side of a high wall. Intrigued by what the noises might be
they decide to investigate further. Doc (the brainy one!) suggests that, in
order to see over the wall, they form a human ladder. This they proceed to
do. Grumpy is at the bottom. On his shoulders stands Doc, then Bashful,
then Happy, then Sneezy, then Sleepy, and finally, at the top, Dopey. If
they all really stretched, then Dopey could just see over the wall. What a sight greeted him!
Prince Charming and Snow White were lying back on a grassy lawn, enjoying
the sunshine and enjoying each other's company - if you know what I mean!
"What's happening?" asked Grumpy.
"Prince Charming is kissing Snow White!" responded Dopey.
The message was passed down the line of dwarfs; "Prince Charming is kissing
Snow White!"; "Prince Charming is kissing Snow White!";
"Prince Charming is
kissing Snow White!"; "Prince Charming is kissing Snow White!";
etc.
"What's happening now?" asked Grumpy.
"He's taking off her top!"; "He's taking off her top!";
"He's taking off her
top!"; "He's taking off her top!"; "He's taking off her
top!"; "He's taking off her top!"
"What's happening now?" asked Grumpy.
"He's got his hand up her skirt!" ; "He's got his hand up her
skirt!" ;
"He's got his hand up her skirt!" ; "He's got his hand up her
skirt!" ;
"He's got his hand up her skirt!" ; "He's got his hand up her
skirt!"
"What's happening now?" asked Grumpy.
"She's giving him a blow-job!"; "She's giving him a
blow-job!"; "She's
giving him a blow-job!"; "She's giving him a blow-job!";
"She's giving him a
blow-job!"; "She's giving him a blow-job!"
At this point, Prince Charming looks up and spots Dopey's face peering over
the wall. Enraged, he pulls away from Snow White and strides across to the wall.
"What's happening now?" asked Grumpy.
Dopey screams in terror, "He's coming!"
"So am I"; "So am I"; "So am I"; "So am
I"; "So am I"; "So am I"!
There were two dwarfs who won the lottery. The first thing they did
was hire a couple of prostitutes and go to a hotel. Their rooms are
next to each other and with a wink, they each take their lady of the night into a room.
The first dwarf is only just in bed when he hears through the wall
"1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH". Excited that his friend is all
ready under way he rips off his clothes. Still he hears "1-2-3, HUH,
1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH" from next door, and wonders how his friend
can keep going. He tries to concentrate on what he is doing but is so
distracted by the "1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH" that despite
his and the prostitute's best efforts, he cannot get it up. Even as
he was drifting off to an unfulfilled sleep he still hears "1-2-3,
HUH, 1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH"
The next day they meet outside the rooms after the prostitutes have
left. The second dwarf is still bright red in the face and looks exhausted.
"How was your night?" asked the exhausted one.
"Terrible" replied the first. "I couldn't get an erection."
"You lucky bastard" said the second. "I couldn't even get on the
bed."
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be
seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange
brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about
sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies,
"This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics.
It identifies that American Indians have the longest
average penis and Polish men have the biggest average
diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently
taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says:
"I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay
fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his
wife again. This time he whispers in her ear:
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there
for a number of years when he came home one day to confess
to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife
suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about
it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He
vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few
weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife
could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I
told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis
into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I
did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired."
"No,
Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been
in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to
rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On
doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and
tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests
he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is
any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and
this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that
the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait
outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man
to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about
five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor
his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which
the man replies: "She choked."
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when
the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey,
we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied,
"Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this
breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We
were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years
ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should
we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and
sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old
lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you
today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and
the other is in your oatmeal
"Relationships Before And After"
Before she moves in, she wears teddies and suspenders, and you hold
your farts in until she leaves the room; she's a gorgeous sex kitten
and you tell her so; you're so sweet and adorable, and blowjobs
follow ambient dinners like a fine port.
After she moves in, she farts in her grungy trackie bottoms while
hypnotized by Coronation Street; you scratch your nuts unashamedly
and bitch about work; oral sex is strictly quid pro quo and the new
girl in the office really does have a great ass. Here are the key
indicators of when the honeymoon period has finished.
1. Addictions
Before: You tell her you don't mind the occasional cold beer on a hot
day with your mates, and that you've taken recreational drugs but
those days are well and truly over.
After: For the fifth night in a row you stagger in blotto, dig out
your stash and mull up, pass out in the lounge in your underpants and
expect her to accept that you're just being you.
2. Bodily functions
Before: You spray aerosol after a crap; piss on the side of the bowl
to reduce noise and never, ever fart in her presence.
After: You fart in front of her with impunity and obvious pride,
commenting on the food intake for the day and speculating on the
resultant odor. Despite repeated pleas to the contrary, you fart in
bed and hold her head under the covers. You think it's hilarious.
3. Relations/Friends
Before: Her auntie Jane is a real character with a lively personality
and interesting views about politics, and her unemployed girlfriend
Amanda is a genuine, charming supportive friend who you think is really nice.
After: Auntie Jane is a loud-mouthed, pain-in-the-ass with all the
personality of a cold sore. Amanda is a manipulative loser, but you
wouldn't mind doing her if the opportunity arose.
4. Sex
Before: Sex is a sweat-soaked, gymnastic romp that lasts for hours.
You screw to impress, using all your tricks - your renowned tit
grope, marathon oral sex sessions, and jackhammer-like screwing.
Screwing four times a day is not uncommon.
After: A wank is often preferable to the effort of sex. When you do
have sex, you think about Amanda.
5. Attention span
Before: Her words are hypnotic; her wit is incisive; her anecdotes
about her life pre-you are spellbinding. Over candlelight and coffee
you listen with interest and politely chortle as she recounts stories of her childhood.
After: Your eyes glaze over as soon as she mentions anything that
doesn't involve you. What's more, you develop the uncanny ability to
be able to concentrate on the T.V and listen to her at the same time.
The phrase, "Are you listening to me?" becomes an evening mantra.
Overall Evaluation
6. What She Thinks
Before: She thinks you are witty, disciplined, a sexual athlete,
attentive, loving, faithful and devoid of all crass male habits which
have plagued her previous relationships .....but she suspects that
you're full of shit.
After: She KNOWS you're full of shit!!