A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son
playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying,
"All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the
last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your arse in
the train, cause we're going down the tracks".
The horrified mother went in and told her son,
"We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to
your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with
his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all
of your belongings with you. We thank you for traveling with us today and hope
your trip was a pleasant one."
She hears the little boy continue,
"For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.
Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing
journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added,
"For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see
the bitch in the kitchen."
Pfizer Corp. (NYSE PFE) made the announcement today that
VIAGRA
(mykoxaphalentooldphyew) will soon be available in liquid
form under the
trade name of Mydixaflop. Mydixaflop will be
marketed by Pepsi Cola (Pepsi
Bottling Group NYSE PBG) as a power
beverage suitable for use as is, or as a
mixer, under the name
Mount And Do. Pepsi's proposed ad campaign
suggests:
"It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a
stiff one."
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives.
Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed."
There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No you are NOT screwed.
Pick up that stone at your feet and use it to beat the chief standing in front of you."
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to beat the heck out of the chief.
As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded
by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, God's voice booms out again:
"Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."
A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their 60th
birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because
they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and
boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly,
"Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy
picked up her wand and boom! He was 90.
What is the definition of Confidence?
When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on
the ass and say, "You're next!"
John was a clerk in a small drugstore, but he was not much of a salesman.
He could never find the item the customer wanted. The drugstore owner had
had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and asked John for their best cough syrup.
Try as he might, John could not find the cough syrup.
Remembering the owner's warning, John sold the man a box of Ex-Lax
and instructed him to take the entire box all at once. The customer immediately consumed
the entire box in the store and then walked outside and leaned against a lamppost.
The drugstore owner had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what
had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup.
I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once." "Ex-
Lax won't cure a cough!" the owner shouted angrily.
"Sure it will," John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamppost.
"Look at him. He's afraid to cough."
Two ants met in a woman's belly button and decided to explore
the
rest of her body. Agreeing to meet back in the same place in a week,
one ant headed north while the other went south. Seven days later,
they returned to the belly button. "I had a great time," reported the
ant who ventured north. "There were these two big hills, and every
day I went skiing, and at night I slept in this nice warm valley." "I
had a hell of a time," sighed the other ant. "First I had to walk
through this thick jungle, then I fell down this huge hole, and by
the time I climbed out I was so tired that I fell asleep in this
smelly cave. But that wasn't the worst of it! Every night, this giant
worm came in and threw up in my face!"
How are prostitution and bungee jumping the same?
1. they last about the same amount of time.
2. they cost about the same
3. and if the rubber breaks, your dead.
20 Things you can get away with saying only at Christmas
1. I prefer
breasts to legs
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3.
Smother the butter all over the breasts!
4. If I don't undo my trousers,
I'll burst!
5. I've never seen a better spread!
6. I'm in the mood for
a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little
dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get
some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Stuff it up between the legs as
far as it will go.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these
people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same
time!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it
take after you put it in? .
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops
up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18. That's the biggest
bird I've ever had!
19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all
morning
20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!
There was an Amish girl that had just come of age to date.
Her mother was helping her get ready to go out that night.
As she was about
ready she put on some gloves, because it was to be cold
that night, and the Amish still ride in buggies?
Her mother asked, "Why are you
wearing gloves?"
She continued by saying that it wasn't lady like to
wear gloves.
The Girl said to her mother, "its suppose to be cold
tonight, what do I do with my hands if they get cold?"
Her mother replied. "Just stick your hands between your knees,
and they will get
warm."
So the girl agreed. Her date picked her up and they went on
there was. On their way home her hands got cold, so following her
mother's orders, she stuck her hands between her knees. Her date
looked over and said,
"What on earth do you have your hands between
your legs for?"
She replied, " my mother told me that if my hands got
cold, to stick them between my legs to get them warm."
Her date said
to her, "well my dick is frozen solid do you care if I stick it
between your legs to get it warm?"
The girl said, "well I don't see
any harm in it."
So he did. After returning home from her date she
asked her mother," What do you know about them their dicks?"
Her
mother said, "Why what do you know about dicks?"
The girl looked at
her mother and said,
"All I know is that when they thaw out they make
an awful mess!"
An old lady decides one day that she has lived a very full life, traveled
a lot, married, had children, did everything there is to do. She decides
that she wants to kill herself, and she wants to shoot herself in the heart.
The problem is that she didn't know where her heart was. She decided to
go to the doctor and ask him. At the doctor's office, he told her that
it is two inches below the left nipple.
So she goes home and shoots herself
in the kneecap.
Two little boys were arguing. "My father is better
than your father!" "No
he's not!" "My brother is better than your brother!" "No
he's not!" "My
mother is better than your mother!" The second boy paused. "Well I
guess
you've got me there. My father says the same thing."
A man and his four-year-old son were talking about sex.
The son asked
his father, "Dad, what does a pussy look like?"
The dad asked him, "Before or after sex?"
"Ummm, before sex," the kid replied.
The dad said, "Have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?"
"Yeah," said the son. "Well, what about after sex?"
His dad replied, "Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming
sound coming
from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her
daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. What are you doing?" she
exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my
parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound
coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter
naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he
exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and
this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time
in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super
bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are
you doing?" she exclaimed. "Watching the game with my
son-in-law."
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,
"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have
"Southern Electric" written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Well, then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door?
Does it look like I have "Zanussi" written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says, "then could you at least fix the steps to the front door?
They're about to break."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says.
'Does it look like I have "B&Q" written on my forehead? I don't think so.
I've had enough of you. I'm going to the pub!!!"
So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel
guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.
As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed.
As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As
he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried.
Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He
offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either bake him a cake or
give him a blow job.
So the husband asked, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "Hellooooooo........ Do you see Delia Smith written on my
forehead? I don't think so."
A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet which is getting ready
to take off. Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and
wipes the end of his penis off with his handkerchief. He zips
up, and continues reading his magazine.
The woman cannot believe what she just saw. Then he sneezes
again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a
handkerchief.
The woman says, "Excuse me sir, but that is disgusting and rude,
and if you do it again, I am going to call the flight attendant
and have you removed from this plane.
He says, "I am so sorry that I have offended you. I have this
very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to have
an orgasm every time I sneeze."
The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, and somewhat
embarrassed by her own callousness, says, with sympathy, "Oh you
poor man, what are you taking for it?"
"Pepper," he answers.
A female computer consultant was helping a smug male set up
his
computer and she asked him what word he would like to use as a
password to log in with.
Wanting to embarrass the female he told her to enter "PENIS".
Without blinking or saying a word she entered the password.
She almost died laughing at the computer's response:
PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show
in a small club in Manchester. With his dummy on his knee,
he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the
4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of
your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women
that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth
as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being
respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full
potential as a person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate
discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all
in the name of humor!"
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde
yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little fucker on
your knee!"
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says 'Today we are going
to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?'
Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, me, me!'
The teacher says, 'Alright, Johnny, what is your multi- syllable word?'
Johnny says 'Mas-tur-bate.'
The teacher smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'
Johnny says, 'No, you're thinking of a blow job. I'm talking about a wank.'
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals.
During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both
of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.
"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.
"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.
"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file.
"Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"
"No sir, our mother."
"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"
"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and
when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as
best as she could."
Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day and found him
sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his dick. In an
attempt to hide his full erection, Johnny's father bent over as if to look under the bed.
Little Johnny asked curiously, "What ya doin', Dad?"
His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed."
Johnny replied, "What ya gonna do, fuck him?"
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about breast
enlargements. He told her, "Every day when you get out of the shower,
rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want
bigger boobies.' "
She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked!
She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late, and in her
rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning
ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose
them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby
dooby, I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"
"Why yes, I do. How did you know?"
The man stood up and cupped his balls and said, "Hickory dickory dock . . ."
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and
have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announced to her boyfriend that after dinner,
she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a
trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the counter, the
pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, 10-pack, or
a family pack.
"I'm really going to give it to this girl," the boy tells the
pharmacist.
"I intend to plug every orifice in her body at least
twice." The pharmacist, with a laugh, suggests the family pack,
saying the boy will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on
in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's
parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with
his head down.
10 minutes passes and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,
"I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns to his Girlfriend and whispers, "I had no idea your father was a Pharmacist"
What do you get if you cross a Rotweiller with a Labrador?
A dog that scares the shit out of you then runs off with the bog roll
Why is pubic hair curly?
If it was straight it would poke your eyes out.
What comes out of a cock when it is kissed?
The wrinkles.
What's the three worst things about being an egg ?
1 - It takes 8 minutes to get hard
2 - You only get laid once
3 - Its only your mother that sits on your face
This guy runs home and bursts in yelling, "Pack your bags honey, I've just won the lottery!"
She says "Oh, that's wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?"
He replies, "I don't care... Just get the f*ck out!"
How do you make a woman’s toes curl?
Shag her with her tights on
What's pink and hard in the morning?
The Financial Times crossword.
A Mother and her young son are having a bath together one night and the son points
in-between his mum's legs and asks: "Mum...what is that?".
His mum replies :"Oh... that's where...erm...god hit me with an axe".
The son says: "That was a good shot...right in the cunt!"
How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
"30 HARSH THINGS A WOMAN CAN SAY TO A NAKED MAN"
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird.
Woman's English
Yes = No.
No = Yes.
Maybe = No.
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.
We need = I want.
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious to you by now.
Do what ever you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course, I'm upset, you moron.
You're so manly = You need a shave, and you sweat a lot.
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead.
Man's English
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you.
What's wrong? = What stupid self-inflicted psychological trauma is it now?
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now!
I love you, too. = Okay, I said it. Now can we have sex?
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before.
Let's talk = I'll impress you by showing you I am a deep guy, then we can have sex.
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with others.
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