A girl comes skipping home from school and shouts "Mummy, mummy today we did counting and all the other kids only got up to 5, but I got up to 10. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, that's good, isn't it mummy? "Yes, dear, it is." "Is that because I'm blonde mummy?" "Yes, dear, it is." The next day the girl comes skipping home and screams "Mummy, mummy today we did the alphabet and all the other kids only got to D but I got up to G. A, B, C, D, E, F, G.... that's good isn't it mummy?" "Yes, dear, it is." "Is that because I'm blonde mummy?" "Yes, dear, it is. The following day the girl comes skipping home and says "Mummy today did gym class and all the other girls had flat chests but I have these!" At this point the girl pulls up her top revealing a pair of amazing 36 C breasts. "That's good isn't it mummy?" "Yes, dear, it is," replied a slightly embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde mummy?" "No dear, it's because you're 25!"
A blind man enters a Ladies
Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar
stool and orders a drink. After
sitting there for a while, he yells
to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna
hear a blonde joke?" The bar
immediately falls absolutely quiet. In
a very deep, husky voice, the
woman next to him says, "Before you tell
that joke, sir, you should know five things .....
1 - The bartender is a blonde
girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde gal.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 200 pound
blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me
is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5 - The lady to your right
is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously,
Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,
"Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"
There was a blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes and decided
to dye her hair brown. She then went for a drive in the country and
came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road. She asked the
shepherd, 'If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?'
He replied 'Sure!' Out of the blue, she blurts out, '352!'
He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep.
She looks and searches and finally picks out the cutest one. He looks
at her and says, 'If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back!'
What does a blonde say when she sees a banana peel on the sidewalk?
"Oh, no, I'm going to fall again!"
Have you heard about the new "blonde paint?"
Yeah, it's not very bright, but it sure does spread easy.
How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?
Write on both sides of a sheet of paper, "Please turn this over."
How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?
There's
Tippex on the screen
How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
Shine a flashlight in their
ear.
Why was the blondes' belly button sore?
Because her boyfriend was
blonde too.
Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
From crawling
across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".
Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
So she wouldn't get Hearing
Aids.
What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen head-lamp?
They both
get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort.
What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?
Pick them up off
the floor.
Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN ?
She didn't know what
ONE came first...
What's the advantage of being married to a blonde?
You can park in
handicapped zones.
A blonde walks into a winter clothing store. She picks out a scarf and brings
it to the counter to pay for it.
When she gets home, she turns right back around and takes it back to the
store.
The store clerk asks why she's returning the scarf. "Because," she says,
"it's too tight!"
A blond man showed up at work one day with a black eye. When his co-
workers saw him they asked him what had happened.
He told them it had happened at church.
They didn't believe him, and wanted to know what really happened.
So he told them, "I went to the church. I got on my knees and prayed.
When I stood up to sing the hymns, there in front of me was the
biggest woman I had ever seen. Her dress was stuck in her butt-crack,
so being the gentleman I am, I reached over and pulled it out for her.
She did not like that, so she hit me."The guys laughed and
ribbed him about it all day.
The next week he showed up to work and his face was beat bad! Again
the guys asked him what had happened and he told them he'd got beaten
up at church. Again they didn't believe him, so he explained, "I went
to the church. I got on my knees and prayed. When I stood up to sing
the hymns, there in front of me was that same big woman with her
dress again stuck up her butt-crack."
At this point the other men interrupted and said, "Please tell us you
didn't pull her dress out of her crack again?"
"No, the guy standing beside me did, and I knew she didn't like that,
so I shoved it back in."
Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting.
One looked
at the other and said, "I've got to take a shit."
The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and shit."
The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass."
The
other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"
The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea--I'll use that!"
He left and came back with shit all over his hands and clothes.
His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?"
The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3
quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"
A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway.
"Miss, may I see
your driver's licence please?"
"Driver's licence? What's that?..."
"It's a little card with your picture on it."
"Oh, duh! Here it is..."
"May I have your car insurance?"
"What's that?..."
"It's a document that says you are allowed to drive the car."
"Oh this? Duh! Here you go..."
The cop then takes his penis out of his pants, while the blonde exclaims:
"Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!"
DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLONDE THAT. . .
Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too
tight.
Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.
Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit into the typewriter.
Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2
to 4 years.
Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
When asked what the capital of California was; answered 'C.'
What goes 'vroom-screech-vroom-screech-etc? A blonde at a flashing red light.
Two blondes are trying to get into their car using a coat hanger when one says
'hurry, it's starting to rain and the
top is down.'
Burnt her nose bobbing for French-fries.
You shouldn't let blondes take coffee breaks; it takes too long to retrain them.
She baked a turkey for 3 1/2 days because the instructions said 1/2 hour per
pound and she weighed 125.
Can't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.
Hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel.
Got hurt while raking leaves -- fell out of the tree.
Changes the babies diaper only once a month because the label said 'good for up
to 20 pounds'.
After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other at the bar. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, drunk and dozing, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.
He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail.
After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50.
The blonde
politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
A blonde walks into a beauty salon and asks for a trim. The beautician tells her she'll have to take off her headphones. The blonde says, "I can't do that."
The beautician says, "If you want your hair cut, you'll have to take them off."
The blonde replies, "If I take them off, I'll die."
The beautician laughs and says, "Whatever--Look, just for a minute, okay?"
Finally convinced, the blonde takes off her headphones. The beautician goes away for a minute to find a pair of scissors. But when she returns to cut the blonde's hair, she finds the blonde lying dead on the floor. The beautician picks up the headphones, only to hear: "Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out..."
A brunette goes to see her doctor:
"Doctor, I don't know what's wrong with
me but I hurt all over."
"What do you mean?" said the Doc.
"Well, if I
touch my shoulder here, it hurts, and if I touch my leg
here, it hurts, and
if I touch my head here, it hurts, and if I touch
my foot here, it hurts."
"Tell me," said the Doctor,
"Do you dye your hair?"
"Yes," she said "I'm
really a blonde."
"I thought as much, you've broken your finger."
