There are several men sitting
around in the locker room of a private club after exercising.
Suddenly a
cell phone on one of the benches rings.
One of the men picks it up, and
the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey,
it's me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am
at the mall two blocks from where you are.
I just saw a beautiful mink coat.
It's absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only
$1,500.00."
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that
much..."
"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership
and
saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I
spoke with the salesman,
and he gave me a really
good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW
that
we bought last year..."
"What price did
he quote you?"
"Only $60,000..."
"OK, but for that
price I want it with all the options."
"Great! But before we hang
up, something else..."
"What?"
"It
might look like a lot, but I was reconciling
your bank account and I stopped
by the real estate
agent this morning and saw the house we had looked
at
last year. It's on sale! Remember? The one with a pool,
English Garden,
acre of park area, beach front property..."
"How much are they
asking?"
"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see
that
we have that much in the bank to cover..."
"Well, then go ahead
and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie...Thanks!
I'll see you later! I love you!"
"Bye...I do too..."
The man hangs up, closes
the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to
all
those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to???"
What is the Moral of the Story ?
Do not use MOBILE PHONE
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.
Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers.
When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air,
caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into
the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?" he yelled forcefully.
No one answered.
"All right, I'm going to have another beer, and if my horse ain't back
outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I
don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had
another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the
post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered
out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go, what happened
in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the lunatic asylum
and he hears all the residents inside chanting,
"Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks
in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the
asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!
There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled
up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began
dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,"
said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence.
Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he
thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to
investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for
you." He knew what it was. "Oh, my goodness!" he shuddered,
"It's Satan
and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!"
He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come quick!" he said, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and
St.
Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls." The old man said,
"Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is!"
After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, "One for
you, one for me. One for you, one..." The old man whispered, "Boy,
you've
been tellin' the truth! Let's see if we can see the Devil himself."
Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see
anything, but they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for
me. And one last one for you. That's all. Let's go get those nuts by the
fence, and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy!
WHAT DO YOU CALL A FROZEN POLICEMAN?
A copsicle
WHAT KIND OF BANKS DO ALLIGATORS USE?
Riverbanks
DID THE PEOPLE LAUGH WHEN THE LADY FELL ON THE ICE?
No but the ice cracked up
WHAT KIND OF MISTAKES DO GHOSTS MAKE?
Boo boos
WHAT DO YOU CALL A TEST GIVEN TO A CRIMINAL?
A con-test
WHY AREN'T ELEPHANTS ALLOWED ON BEACHES?
They can't keep their trunks up
DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH POLITICAL JOKES?
They get elected
WHAT DID ONE SAND PILE SAY TO THE OTHER?
What cha dune?
WHAT IS A POLICEMAN'S FAVORITE VEGETABLE?
Corn on the cop
WHAT DOES A DANCER USUALLY DRINK?
Tap water
WHEN ARE EYES, NOT EYES?
When the wind makes them water
WHAT IS THE BEST THING TO TAKE BEFORE SINGING?
A deep breath
WHY DID HUMPTY DUMPTY HAVE A GREAT FALL?
To make up for a lousy summer
WHICH PRESIDENT IS FROM OUTER SPACE?
Ronald Ray-gun
WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS KING KONG WITH A BELL?
King Bong
A monastery in the English countryside had fallen on hard times, and decided to establish a business to defray their expenses, such as a bakery or winery. Being English, however, they decided to open a fish-and-chips restaurant. The establishment soon became very popular, attracting people from all over. One city fellow, thinking himself clever, asked one of the brothers standing nearby, "I suppose you're the 'fish friar'?" "No", answered the brother levelly, "I'm the 'chip monk".
A man went skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor
for what seemed like days, he was ready to go. Excited, he jumped out of
the airplane. About five seconds later, he pulled the ripcord.
Nothing happened. He tried again. Still nothing. He started to panic, but
remembered his back-up chute. He pulled that cord.
Nothing happened. He frantically began yanking both cords to no avail.
Suddenly he looked down, and he couldn't believe his eyes. Another
man was in the air with him, but this guy was going up! Just as the
other guy passed by, the skydiver yelled, "Hey, do you know anything
about skydiving?"
The other guy yelled back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"
An old lady, who lived on the third floor of a boardinghouse, broke her leg. As the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs. Several months later, the doctor took off the cast. "Can I climb stairs now?" asked the little old lady. "Yes," he replied. "Thank goodness!" she said. "I'm sick and tired of shinnying up and down that drainpipe!"
Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. "Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother. "He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness. Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked, "So why do you have so much hair?"
Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every
time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. Then, when I
get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Doc, you've gotta
help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the psychiatrist.
"Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"My fee is £100 per visit."
"That's awfully expensive, Doc," reckoned Shakey. "Let me sleep on it,
and I'll get back to you."
Six months later, the doctor and Shakey crossed paths. "Why didn't you
ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For £100 a visit? Heck, a bartender cured me for $10!"
"How do you figure?" asked the psychiatrist.
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
Mr. Brown said, "I keep seeing spots before my eyes."
Mr. Green asked, "Have you ever seen a doctor?"
Mr. Brown replied, "No, only spots."
One day, a fellow went for a ride through the park on his bicycle.
The
following day, a friend asked him if he would like to do it again.
He replied, "No thanks, I'm not into recycling."
A man walks into a Doctors. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in
his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"Whets the matter with me?", he asked.
"You're not eating properly", replied the Doctor.
A man goes to the doctor. "Doc," he says pointing to different parts of his
body, "when I touch my arm it hurts. When I touch my neck it hurts. And when
I touch my stomach it hurts. Do I have some rare disease?"
"No," the doctor replied, "you have a broken finger."
A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. While
doing this the clerk spots two penguins sitting on the back seat of
the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
The man in the car says, "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven't a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."
"Yeah, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.
The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station.
The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.
"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo!"
"Oh, I did," says the driver, "and we had a swell time. Today I'm
taking them to the beach."
Two cows were conversing in a field: "My My, have you heard about this
Mad Cow disease...it's really frightening."
"Huh" said the other cow, "I'm not worried at all!".
"Why's that?" the first cow asked.
"Because I'm a rabbit".
A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor. "Is Fred
home?" he asked the woman who answered the door. "Sorry," the woman
replied. "Fred's gone for cotton."
The next day the collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?" "No,
sir," she said, "I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton."
When he returned the third day he humped, "I suppose Fred is gone
for cotton again,?" "No," the woman answered solemnly, "Fred died
yesterday."
Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait
a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there
was poor Fred's tombstone, with this inscription: ...
"Gone, But Not for Cotton."
A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving
up beside her, he shouts out the window, "Pull over!"
"No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"
Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men
walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk asked,
"You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He
returned and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."
"All right. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."
After a while, the customer returned to the office and said,
"A long time. We're gonna build a house."
A little duck walks into a bar one day. He saunters up to the
bartender and asks, "Got any gwapes?"
"Nope, sorry," says the bartender. The duck walks out,
disappointed.
The next day, the duck walks into the bar again and asks, "Got
any gwapes?"
"I already told you, no, I don't!" says the bartender angrily.
The duck leaves, again disappointed.
The day after that, the duck walks in again and says, "Got any
gwapes?"
"No! I do not have any grapes! If you come in here one more time
asking for grapes I'll nail your feet to the floor!"
The next day, the duck waddles into the bar. The bartender eyes
him suspiciously. "Got any nails?" the duck asks.
"No, why?" the bartender asks.
"Got any gwapes?"