Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client's
jury to hold
out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder
which was brought by the state.
The jury was out for several days before they returned with the
manslaughter verdict. When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him
if he had a very difficult time persuading the other jurors to see things his way.
"Sure did," the juror replied, "the other eleven wanted to
acquit."
msthemeseparator>
A guy travelling through
the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at
the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar. As he sipped his drink,
he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings.
After he blew nine or ten
smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him and said,
"One more remark like that and I'll smash your face in!"
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Amal." The other goes
to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan
sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the
picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a
picture of Amal.
Her husband responds, "But they are twins--if you've seen
Juan, you've seen Amal."
A man walked into a bar and sat down beside a women. Suddenly her glass
eye popped out and he caught it. She thanked him and asked him if he would
join her for breakfast the next day. He agreed and got her address.
The next day he went to her house and had a lovely breakfast. He asked,
"Do you treat all men like this?"
She smiled and said, "Just the ones who catch my eye."
There's a little boy at school and asks the teacher if he can go to the toilet.
"Okay" says the teacher. "But first you've got to say the alphabet."
They boy says the alphabet: "a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h,i,j,k,l,m,n,o,q,r,s,t,u,v,w,x,y,z."
"What happened to the 'p'?" asked the teacher.
"Its running down my leg, Miss."
"No need for me to come out to the house," the
doctor told
the worried caller. "I've checked my files and your uncle
isn't really ill at all - he just thinks he's sick."
A week later, the doctor telephoned to make sure his
diagnosis had been correct. "How's your uncle today?" he asked.
"Worse," came the reply. "Now he thinks he's dead."
The newspaper obituary operator received a phone call.
The woman on the other end asked, "How much do funeral notices cost?"
"Five dollars per word, ma'am," came the response.
"Good, do you have a paper and pencil handy?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Okay, write this: 'Cohen died.' "
"I'm sorry, ma'am, I forgot to tell you there's a five-word minimum."
"Hmmph," came the reply. "You certainly did forget to tell me that." After
a moment of silence, the woman continued, "Got your pencil and paper?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Okay, print this "Cohen died, Cadillac for sale.' "
A bereaved woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements
for her
husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be
buried in a dark blue suit. He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury
him in the black suit that he's wearing?"
"No," she insists. "It must be a blue suit." She then gives
him a blank
check to buy one. When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband
in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the
director, "That is absolutely perfect! I love it! How much did it
cost?"
He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened.
As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a
blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the
other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit.
She said that was fine with her. So, I switched the heads."
Three guys were pulled out of detective training for special
attention, because they were not very bright. The police chief was
interrogating them to determine if they were smart enough to become
detectives. If not, they couldn't continue with the training. Things
had not gone well so far. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect,
he shows the first detective a picture for five seconds and
then hides it.
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first guy answers,
"That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says,
"Well...uh...that's because the picture only shows his PROFILE."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture
for five seconds at the second guy and asks him,
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second guy laughs, rolls his eyes and says,
"Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds,
"What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear
are showing because it's a picture of his PROFILE! Is that the best
answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he show the picture to the third
guy and in a very testy voice asks,
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds,
"..think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says,
"Hmmmm....the suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't
know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well that is an interesting answer....wait here a few minutes while I
check this file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes into his office, checks the suspect's file
in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow, I can't believe it's true! The suspect does in fact wear
contacts. Good Work! How were you able to make such an astute
observation?"
"That's easy," the guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses
because he only has one eye and one ear."