Football World Stunned
Switzerland 8th January 2003
:
UEFA today stunned the football world by handing out a severe penalty
to England international
Lee Bowyer after finding him guilty of stamping on
an opponent during an UEFA cup match.
Bowyer has been banned from European
competition for six games and made to
sign for West Ham United. The
combination of the six game ban and enforced
transfer to West Ham means
effectively Bowyer has been banned from European
football for a minimum of
FIFTEEN years.
Bowyer himself is said to be philosophical after finally been
caught on CCTV
stamping on a grounded opponent but does admit he is at least
partly to
blame as he should have phoned a team mate to come and pick him up
and
destroy his boots and socks like he normally does when he finds himself
in these situations .
Bowyer's contract entitles him to a £1m bonus
payment should West Ham escape
relegation, the contract is also believed to
include payments should he find
Lord Lucan (£750k),prove the existence of
extra-terrestrial life (£500k) or
explain why the f##k they paid several
million pound for Titi Camara
(£250k).
Meanwhile official West Ham sources
would make no comment on rumours that
West Ham are to change their away strip
to a white sheet with a white hood
to make Bowyer feel more at home.
Alex Ferguson is queuing in his local building society, when a gunman bursts in through the door demanding money. Ferguson attempts to tackle the raider, but is knocked over. As he falls to the floor he knocks his head on the counter and slumps out cold on the floor and the robber runs off. One of the cashiers goes over to Alex and tries to revive him by fanning him with some leaflets - he comes round and looks bewildered. His first words are "where am I?" and the cashier replies, "don't worry, its ok, you're in the Nationwide." Ferguson replies, "F**k me, is it May already?"
Posh Spice and David Beckham are sitting in front of the Television watching the six O'clock news. The headline feature is a man who is threatening to jump off the Clifton Suspension Bridge onto the busy A4 below.
Posh turns to Beckham and says "Dave, I bet you £5000 that he jumps."
He replies "£5000! Done."
The pair shake on it and continue watching the commotion on the TV, sure enough, the man jumps and hits the road below with a loud thud.
Beckham takes £5000 out of his pocket and gives it to Posh.
"I can't take that from you Dave" she says. I was cheating. I saw the Five O'clock News earlier so I Knew what was going to happen. I can't accept that money ."
Beckham replies "No Babe.
The money is yours fair and square. I was cheating too. I just didn't think he would do it again."
David Beckham decides to try horseback riding, even though he has had no lessons or prior experience.
He mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace as Posh stands back in
admiration, but then he begins to slip from the saddle. In terror he grabs
the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. He tries to throw his
arms around the horse's neck, but he slides down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, he gives up his frail grasp and he attempts to leap away from the
horse and throw himself to safety.
Unfortunately, his foot has become entangled in the stirrup, now he is now at the mercy
of the horse's pounding hooves as his head is struck against the ground over and over.
Posh stands there frantic, unable to do anything to help as his head is battered against the ground.
He is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to his great fortune.....
The Sainsbury's security guard sees him, leans over, and unplugs the horse.
A burglary was recently committed at West Ham's ground and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. The police are looking for a man with a claret & blue carpet.
Gary and Phil Neville are sitting in the pub with their dog and this guy comes in and lifts up the dogs tail, look underneath it and then leaves. Gary and Phil are bemused but continue to enjoy their drinks.
Then another guy comes in and does the same thing, looks under the dogs tail and then leaves. When a third guy comes in and makes to do the same thing Phil stops him and says "hold on mate- you are the third person to do that - what are you doing?"
The guys says "There is a man outside who says that there is a dog in here with two arseholes".
Football viruses
Be careful - these are following in the wake of the 'I Love You' virus
and are potentially damaging:The Manchester United virus:
Your PC develops a disorder whereby the memory forgets everything before
1993.The Man United shirt virus:
This one is especially hard to detect as it changes its format every 3
months.The Schmeichel virus:
Your PC develops a hideous, large red dot in the middle of the screen.The David Beckham virus:
The lights on your PC are all on but nothing works.The Roy Keane virus:
Throws you out of Windows.The Alex Ferguson virus:
Your PC develops a continuous whining noise.The Massimo Taibi virus:
You can't save anything.The Ryan Giggs virus:
Makes your computer think it's better than it actually is.These are less virulent, but still wise to keep an eye on them:
The Ian Walker virus:
Your PC will act as though it will save something, but let you down at
the last minute.The David Ginola virus:
Computer pretends to go down, but then boots back up and is OK.The Stan Collymore virus:
Luckily this one doesn't actually work, but sometimes boots up some
Swedish computers.The Glenn Hoddle virus:
Disables your PC, blames it all on its previous life as a calculator.The Tony Adams/Rio Ferdinand virus:
All drive privileges lost.The Bradford City virus:
Makes you think it will go down but presses escape at the last minute.
England have a qualifying match against the Scots and the boys decide to let
Owen lead the
charge alone as they go to a local pub.
The match starts and the
boys, beers in hand, toast as Michael scores in the 7th minute to give England a
1-0 lead.
The radio is turned off as the boys begin to celebrate and then
turned on again a bit later. They are shocked to find that Scotland has tied the
game in the 84th minute. They race to the stadium to help Owen win the match and
are shocked to find that they are too late -- Scotland has scored in the 90th
minute and the game has ended in victory to the Scots 2-1. They race to the
locker-room to find Michael sitting in front of his locker with his head in his
hands sobbing.
"What the hell happened ?!" they ask,
"I am really sorry
I let you down," Michael sobs, "I got red carded 2 minutes into the second
half!"
David Beckham has gone crazy believing his wife Posh has been having an affair
on him. In his rage, he goes out and buys a gun. He rushes home to confront his
wife, and finds her in bed with none other than Roy Keane.
Devastated, Beckham
takes out the gun and points it at his own head.
"No, David don't do it." Posh
cries jumping up from her spot underneath the covers.
"I'm sorry and I know we
can work this out."
"Shut up and sit back." Beckham replies. "You're next."
Q: What has Old Trafford on a Saturday afternoon at 4.45pm got in common with
Wormwood Scrubs?
A: They are both full of cockneys trying to get out.
Q: What's the difference between Manchester United and a three pin
plug?
A: They're both useless in Europe.
Top tip for Manchester United fans: don't waste money on expensive new kits every season, simply strap a large inflatable penis to your forehead, and everyone will immediateley know which team you support.
Alex Ferguson calls David Beckham into his office.
'David', he says, I'm worried about your performance the last few games, 'you've been hopeless, completely off form.'
"Sorry boss", says Beckham, "I've not been myself lately, I've got a few problems at home"
Oh dear, 'says Ferguson, Pretending to care, ''What's up? Posh and Brooklyn okay?'
'yeah, they're fine', says Becks. It's just that something's really bugging me and I'm losing sleep and everything, I can't concentrate on my football and its really messing me up.'
'What's the matter, David?' says fergie.
'well, boss', says the brainless one, 'its pretty serious. You see I'm really stuck on this jigsaw and ........'
'A jigsaw?!' shouts Alex. 'You're fu**ing up every time you play because of a bloody jigsaw??'
' yeah , boss , but you don't understand, its really doing my head in! says Beckham in that horrible high-pitched whiny voice of his. 'its really hard and it's this picture of a tiger and it looks really good on the box and I'm sure I've got all the bits and everything but I just can't get it right and it's doing my head in and I even had my hair cut to cool my brain down...'
' David, David, David says Ferguson. ' You've got to get a grip. It's affecting our games and nothing is as important as Manchester United's success, other than my own wages, obviously.'
'yeah boss, but it's this picture of a tiger and it looks really good on the box and I really want to finish it but it's really hard and its doing my head in and its this picture....
and it's a tiger and it's hard.. and can't make the bits fit and, err, it's really hard, err, boss and, err, it's a tiger, err...on the box.....err..boss its. tiger.'
Ferguson waits until Beckhams little speech trails off and he realizes he's merely repeating himself and has got nothing else to say , which takes a bit longer than usual.
'David, ' he says with that conceited, irritating, smug smile he uses for self-congratulatory post-match interviews. 'Bring the tiger jigsaw in and let's have a look at it. For Christ's sake, we've got to get you back to playing football.'
'oh thanks, boss , says Beck's, 'that'd be really helpful 'cos it's really it's really hard and it's a picture of a tiger and it's doing my head in, that tiger is.'
So David brings the jigsaw into Ferguson's office.
Here it is boss, 'he says showing Fergie the picture on the box. 'look, boss its this tiger, right and its a really good picture and everything but I just can't do it and it's really hard and it's doing my head in and it's this picture here f a tiger ,' and Beckham empties all the pieces from the box all over Ferguson's desk. Ferguson looks at what's on his desk. and the small dusty cloud now hanging over it. He looks up at Beckham . 'David, put the f**king Frosties back in the packet.'